Can We Ever Feel Love Again?

by Rebecca Jorgensen

Question: Can we ever feel love again?

Thanks so much for that question. First, let me reassure you that it’s very normal when couples face either of these two things, either distance or distress to lose feelings of love.

So, in some ways the answer is quite simple.  Yes, of course you can feel those loving feelings again. You can, but how can you?

The good news is, loving feelings are no longer a mystery. Love isn’t a mystery. We (Emotionally Focused Therapists) know what produces feelings of love.  I personally witness and help people find their loving feelings for each other all the time.

What is lost can be found, if we look in the right spots. 

There are some specific things that produce feelings of love, things you stopped doing before you lost the loving feelings.

When couples face either distance or distress (fighting) in their relationship, what’s most commonly missing is deep emotional sharing. Deep emotional sharing produces feelings of love. Sharing is key here – and emotional sharing takes two people, one who reveals and the other who receives, or accepts, the sharing.

Even when there’s distance or distress in a couple, both keep trying to make emotional contact and bridge the gap. But, what commonly happens to couples is one person makes an attempt to share, meaning the emotional significance of the message is cloaked. Since the message is cloaked the other misses (quite understandably) the significance of the sharing and respondes with one of these love killers: disagreeing, ignoring, becoming defensive, or criticizing.

Let me give you an example from a couple I consulted with recently who missed the opportunity for deeper sharing and restoring love. Jeb and Molly had an argument. The next day, Jeb (who never likes to discuss the argument) came home after getting Molly’s camera repaired. Molly had been asking Jeb to do this for a long time. Jeb said, nonchalantly, ‘Here’s your camera, I got it repaired this afternoon on my way home.” Molly, still sore from the argument and hoping for a direct apology replied with criticism, “So, now you do it.  Well, it took you long enough.” Jeb, deflated, shakes his head, looks down and walks away. Result: emotional sharing opportunity missed, loving feelings stay lost.

Let’s replay this and show what happens when couples RISK (Reach Inside and Share Karma/feeling) with each other.

Jeb, leaping forward, taking a big RISK, came home and said: “Molly, I feel horrible about our fight. I got your camera fixed to try to show you how much you matter to me and that I’m really sorry for not helping you feel more secure in my love for you. I hate disappointing you.”

Molly moved into compassion and warmth by Jeb’s RISK can respond with acceptance and a RISK back, “That’s so wonderful to hear Jeb. I hate it when we fight too. I know you love and care about me, even when sometimes you forgot to do things, or when I feel insecure. Thank you so much for reassuring me that I do matter to you. I don’t know what I’d do without your love, you’re my guy.”

Sappy? Perhaps. Loving feelings are that way. They are warm, soft, and safe. And we need them. We need to deeply share with each other. As humans we are wired to take in each other’s emotional experience and all kinds healthy benefits come from doing it. As partners, the survival of our relationship depends on it.

If you’d like to find your love again, try RISK (Reach Inside and Share Karma/feeling). RISK and responding with RISK is key to loving feelings. RISKing and responding to risking will renew your loving feelings.

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Making Relationships Stronger

by Rebecca Jorgensen

To strengthen your relationship, especially if you get caught trying to solve problems and it creates conflict, the first step is to prioritize the relationship. It’s the relationship that needs repair.

Often when we want to repair from a conflict, we want our partner to heal us, to comply to what we think needs to happen to repair trust or to be convinced we really matter and are important to our partner.

While we do need personal healing, when the relationship is in crises we have to put the relationship first.

For example, often after a conflict discussion one partner wants to move towards the problem, talk about it, express feelings, “get understood” and face the pain to heal it. While at the same time the other partner wants to “get over it”, “move past it” or “just forget it” as the strategy to heal from the conflict.

Being on polar ends of an issue this way adds to the wounds of a relationship. Each partner feels misunderstood, unsupported and at odds with the other.

Rather than either unraveling the problem, or exploring the emotions of the situation what needs to happen first is to be sure your both on the side of relationship recovery – that the relationship comes first. This requires for each partner to see how their push to do it their way pushes their partner into continued distress. Follow these steps and your relationship will be underway to healing:

1. Notice your positions in this negative loop. For example, “I want us to stay together even though we’re hurting and so I push for more intense talk and attention to the hurt. You want us to stay together and so you push to move away from the pain and protect from more intensity. This leaves us stuck, working against each other rather than for our relationship.”

2. Notice when either of you are caught, doing the old pattern above and let the noticing stop you. “Oh look, there we are again, stuck on opposite ends of what we think needs to happen. Let’s stop.”

3. Then start talking about things you each think the relationship needs, and what you each need in the relationship to feel close and safe. Ex. “I still feel scared and hurt that I don’t really matter, I think I still need reassurance (yes again)that you really want me and our relationship.” Or, “I feel really guilty for hurting you and I feel like a failure when I think about it or we talk about, I think I need some reassurance that even though I hurt you I am the one that you want to help you feel better. That you still want us to be together.”

4. Work to receive your partner’s efforts to meet your needs and move closer to you. Ex. “Oh honey, I noticed and am really glad you came home early and are helping me.” Ex. “I really like it when you snuggle up to me. It feels hopeful.”

5. Work to offer your partner’s needs and move closer to your partner. Ex. “Buttercup, (I heard this term of endearment in public at the World Cup warm up the other day – cute, yes?!) I was thinking about us today, and want you to know how glad I am to be in your life.” Ex. Initiate hugs or cuddles.

As you apply these 5 steps you will feel your relationship get more healthy. As you become more responsive in your relationship healing will occur and your relationship will get stronger.

Thank you for asking such a good question, and here’s to the happy healing of your relationship.

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The White Flag – 8 Steps to Reconnection

by Rebecca Jorgensen

In love sometimes we have to surrender. We have to surrender so we can stop the fight and get back to connection. Resolving the problem should not take priority over how we solve the problem. If it does, if we think solving the problem is more important than how we solve it we will create a new, and more difficult problem to solve.

In other words, HOW we solve the problem – in the long run – is the most important thing. And relationships are all about the long run. Connection is made to last.

The White Flag exercise is a 20 – 30 minute exercise. It is a way to stop the worry, the hurt, the disconnection, the battle and get back to neutral ground. This exercise will take less time than how long you would take staying in the worry. And it has a better outcome.

The White Flag: 8 Steps to Reconnection

1. Notice you’re here, working on this exercise and that means you are aware of wanting things to get better between you. It’s valuable that you care so much about your relationship.

2. Now begin recall memories of feeling cared for and connected in this relationship. Focus on your longing to have more of those moments of connection. Noticing the wanting is likely to bring up feelings of sadness and loneliness. These are the feelings that are underneath the tension and upset in your relationship.

3. Breathe into the sadness and aloneness you feel inside. It’s softer. It’s quieter. It can be hard to let yourself feel this sad place even though it’s familiar. It’s a place you don’t like and fight to stay away from. The alone and wanting connection feeling is soft and difficult to stay with. Just notice that sad and lonely is soft, and the wanting comfort is even softer.

4. As you feel the sad and lonely place, notice how your thoughts continue to turn back to your partner and the moment of hurt – what he or she did. Isn’t that interesting? That moment of disconnection, misunderstanding, disappointment comes up as you get in touch with the sad and lonely place inside of you.

5. Now, notice what you feel as you think about what your partner did. Can you feel that change to feeling more hard? Hard and perhaps afraid your partner will never “get” you or be there in the way you need. Hard and replaying the hurt and trying to figure out a way to get through to your partner. Hard and thoughts spinning fast. Ideas of how to fix it, ideas of what you want your partner to do to stop your hurt. See if you can feel the change inside. There is a shift that happens very quickly. Soft: sad and wanting. Hard: focused on the hurt, on the other in a negative way. (If you can do this congratulate yourself!! You are becoming an expert about your emotion, and this will help you so much in your relationship.)

6. Now get back to your soft place. Listen to your soft place. Spend a few moments getting in touch with the soft and wanting place. It is a more sure guide to connection. (When we approach each other from a hard place, it does not invite connection.) From this place you will get images of being together, being held, having comfort. Moments when you felt seen, important and comforted.

7. Write out 5 of the images – those sweet moments – you have of being understood, seen, important or comforted by your partner.
Notice those moments are moments you created together. It is the being together that really matters. You were soft and your partner was with you.

8. Now the white flag. Approaching your partner with your soft place and staying in the soft place is your white flag. Go softly towards your partner. So softly. (White flags have flag poles and poles can be mistaken for weapons if they are moved around quickly or pointed in the wrong direction.)

I first posted this exercise at www.WEfulness.com/2011/09/exercise-1-white-flag/ You can check out other posts there as well.

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Love more, care less?

by Rebecca Jorgensen

Connected Couple

I read an article recently describing how to love  more and care less, how to detach and take care of ourselves.

Loving more and caring less don’t really seem to go together.

The question occurs to me: How do we love more and react less?
When we love and the person we love says or does something that tells us they aren’t with us we have a reaction. If we interpret what they do as, “we’re not really on the same team”, or “I’m not thinking about you,” or “I don’t care what you think/feel” that’s upsetting.  When a child acts out, or a spouse runs late repeatedly and doesn’t call, and it results in me being upset and then acting on that upset by responding with anger or irritation – that’s the moment I’m considering.

You might think of your own examples of things the people you love do that are upsetting to you. Do you have a couple of them in mind now?

There’s a good chance that you get upset by their behavior because that act looks like, or even is, emotional turning away.

When we love someone and we sense they are emotionally turning away from us it hurts! It scares us. When we see them turn away, it’s our natural instinct to go after them. We want to stay connected. The trouble with that one is our upset will feel to them like we’re moving into fight. Think of the fight/flight response. Then it’s their natural instinct to flee, run for cover, defend, deny, appease. There you have it, a battle.

If I move into upset/fight my partner has to experience that on an emotional level as me turning into the enemy, not someone who wants to stay connected.

Back to the question, how do we love more and react less?

I’ll give you a hint; the answer is NOT to care less.

John Gottman’s research shows that happily married couples bring up concerns sooner with each other and share them. Sue Johnson’s research shows that when couples can share their deeper feelings with each other their bond is protected and grows stronger.

That’s the real answer. Love more and share more deeply. Don’t share more reactivity. Don’t share more anger. Don’t share more judgment. Those are emotional daggers.

Remember your intention is to love and be connected.

How do you do it? How do you stay connected and loving when you’re hurt?

I’d love your comments.

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Keeping Love Alive – Workshop Coming Up

by Rebecca Jorgensen

Sometimes we just need to have some face-to-face “away time” with our partner to sort through things, to get reconnected, and to improve our relationship.

My husband and I use to take a weekend a month away so we could get away from the distractions and remember why we got together in the first place. Doing that got us through some really difficult times when the kids stressful, work was tough, or just when we were on each other’s nerves.

There’s really something special about taking time away to nurture your relationship. It provides space for your love to grow.

If time away just isn’t enough, or if you aren’t in the practice of it and you need direction, a way to get started, and some guidance in figuring out how to get reconnected and stay that way, I have just the thing for you!

It’s a marriage/relationship workshop (could be a retreat) designed to help you learn to:

  • Break the cycles of frustration and loneliness in your relationship
  • Make sense of your own emotions and your partner’s
  • Create lasting trust and intimacy
  • Forgive injuries that destroy trust and safety, and
  • Deepen your erotic connection.

How’s that for great?!

You’ll get:

Practical Tools and Steps – you will put right into practice the strategies and techniques you learn on the spot.

Time Away to Focus – making your relationship a priority and having time to just focus on what your relationship needs. Having dedicated time allows you to immerse in the new ways of thinking and doing things as they are introduced to you. When you leave you can take with you the clarity you need to make these changes last.

Effective Approach – having worked with hundreds of couples and trained thousands of therapists you will be working with a team that has the inside information on what really works to turn marriages around. Creating lasting resolution to problems and issues is at your fingertips with this effective approach to marriage happiness you will learn.

You can come work with me, face to face, in San Diego in August.

Learn more about getting the relationship you want in San Diego by clicking here.  I hope to see you in person and help you keep your love alive!

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A vlog: We need connection

by Rebecca Jorgensen

Okay – I don’t know why this video moves so darn slow – it’s a first attempt at vlogging. If you need a good laugh, this video is pretty amusing, just turn off the sound and I’m making all kinds of funny faces.

Hopefully we’ll all see me improve as I learn how to vlog better.

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Start Noticing

by Rebecca Jorgensen

We all know what it feels like to have tension in our relationship and how uncomfortable that distance is.  That distance is very uncomfortable and when we have chronic dis-ease it can turn into disease; depression, discouragement and increased self-doubts.

I was reading a brief bit on this very thing by Kim Allen, and want to share some of it with you and the vast difference there is between feeling good and connected than feeling tension and stress.

“Chemically speaking, feeling good is very different than feeling stressed!

Positive or ‘feel good’ emotions like appreciation, compassion and joy are internal energy boosters. They create hormonal mixtures that nourish our cells and mind. They have also been shown to prevent fatigue and slow down aging. They regenerate and sustain us mentally, emotionally and physically. “

Now who doesn’t want more of those feel good chemicals, and a longer life of enjoyment to boot?  I sure do.

When you’re disconnected from your loved one, it changes things, physically and within your brain.  Connection feels good. Furthermore, we need co-regulation to regulate. You aren’t meant to manage life all alone. And you can do something about it.

You can start noticing; slowing down and paying attention to the tension in your body and be accepting that you have it. Just breathe and be in the moment. It’s a wonderful way to start the fight to regain connection in an effective way. Then, reach inside yourself to another part of you, a part of you that has compassion for you and your partner, that has kindness and appreciation. This conscious reaching inside will help you find balance so you can come back into conversation with your partner. Staying in conversation is much more effective and a great way to begin to bridge the distance between you.

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Help Your Husband Understand You: 3 Easy Steps

by Rebecca Jorgensen

I was in church this morning the question came up about what we need from each other in the marriage relationship. The exchange inspired me to write a little bit about how to help your husband be more emotionally present for you when you’re distressed.

It was interesting to hear wives respond to wanting to share goals and plans, and also wanting to turn to their partner for comfort and soothing by spouting off about their tension.

Husbands for the most part shared they wanted companionship, time to play together and to feel confident their wives are happy with them.

One husband said he felt distressed when his wife was unhappy even if her unhappiness, irritation, complaining, etc. was not about him. He said he wants “happy” to be her standard, normal way of being and operating in the world. When she’s not happy he feels this dreaded feeling that something is wrong, something must be broken and so he goes into “fix it” mode. He has confidence he knows how to fix things.

Of course when he tries to “fix it”, that’s head stuff, logic. A response that is filled with logic does not join with the emotional energy the wife initiated the conversation with. It’s like one party serving a tennis ball and the other one hitting it back with a golf club. A logical response is not only a miss (mis-attunement) it escalates the emotional energy. Oh no. This is the exact opposite effect the husband was striving for.

To make matters worse, when he goes to “fix it” the message she gets is that he is rejecting her feelings and what she is seeking is feeling acceptance and emotional joining. You can clearly see how his “fix it” response escalates a negative interaction between them. The need the wife started the exchange with wanting him to be playing doubles with her on her team, she wasn’t serving to him. She wanted him to see and understand her and to be with her. Now he’s disappointed her, and that’s the last thing he wanted to do!

Let’s look at it from the husband’s side. First off, he didn’t know any that. Who hits a fast serve when there’s no one on the other side of the net?

Then, because the husband believes she’s serving to him, hits the ball back. And when he hits the ball back she finds out, not only is he on the other side of the net he’s in a different game. His golf club response, straight, to the point and problem solving feels like a line drive, and it goes against the emotional energy and information flow she is in.

Matters become even worse because predictably she will meet his “fix it” energy like he’s become the opponent and she will turn her negative energy on to him. “You don’t get me.” “I don’t need you to fix it for me.” “You never understand.” “I can fix it myself.” Of course, then he defends himself, “you’re so emotional” “Why can’t you just settle down?” “How come everything has to be such a big deal with you?” “I’m only trying to help.”

It all happens very fast. She ends up emotionally alone and disappointed that sharing her negative feelings with him did not create the joining and comfort she wanted. He ends up alone also, rejected and feeling like a failure because once again he was not able to meet his wife’s needs.

It’s lose/lose. And sad.

One wife shared in class that her husband has learned to ask her “is this one of those times when you just need me to listen?” When he does that he’s able to listen to her without being triggered into “fix it” mode. She LOVES when that happens. Of course, then he feels better too because he was able to do his duty and provide her protection from increased distress and get his needs met that he’s making her happy.

If your husband makes the mistake of going into “fix it” mode when you’re distressed here’s three steps to help him help you. ha ha. Remember that Jerry McGuire line, “Help me help you! Help me help you.” The twist here is for you to help him help you.

When you are not distressed share with your husband, in this order, that:

1. You trust his intention is always to help you and you love that he is such a good problem solver and is able to think through things so well.

2. You know it’s very hard for him when you are in a tense and negative-emotional place and you don’t like being distressed either.

3. You will, next time you’re really needing his emotional (not logical) presence, let him know it’s one of those times and you really need him to just listen. Let him know the solution to your distress is to have him with you, in your emotional boat.

Remember, what’s natural, easy and logical for you to do (stay closely connected when you see people in distress) is not natural, easy or logical for your partner. After you have this conversation with him, if he can prevent himself from going into “fix-it” mode and just listen you are off to a very good start. Notice it, and let him know you appreciate his dedication and his listening REALLY HELPS.

Your gratitude and appreciation is something he really longs for, give it freely.

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Cranberry Relish

by Rebecca Jorgensen

It’s Thanksgiving Day in America. I just finished making fresh cranberry orange relish from scratch. It’s a tradition. Probably because it’s one of my favorite parts of the Thanksgiving meal and it’s pretty easy to make. It’s not always easy finding fresh cranberry’s, but that’s another story.

Here’s what I like about fresh cranberry relish. It’s fresh. Wholesome. It’s bright and very vibrant. It’s a garnish that makes the meal complete. When the ingredients are mixed in balance it’s sooo tasty I just want more!

I think Cranberry Relish is a bit like marriage. It’s both sweet and tart. It’s a garnish to my life that completes me, in that way it’s essential. Also, like the cranberry relish it’s the sweetness that pulls it together and makes it desirable.

Do you have enough sweet in your relationship? It’s so easy to forget to be attentive, thankful, kind. It’s hard to be patient and gentle when we’re rushed, demanded upon and tired. And especially hard when you’re worried you’re not enough, not important, misunderstood or left out.

One thing you can do to add more sweetness, the kind that really matters, is to check with your partner about what means the most to him in the way you interact. What does he really appreciate and enjoy? Is it when you talk with a certain tone, or look at him with a loving gaze or perhaps when you hug and kiss him for no special reason? There are ways we hold onto feeling special to our partner and it can really help your relationship to know what your partner experiences that brings them comfort and reassurance. You might be pleasantly surprised to learn what your honey really thinks on this subject.

The other thing you can do, is get really clear about what you appreciate and enjoy and express it to your husband. Not to get him to do it more, he’ll feel that as demand or manipulation, but so you can express gratitude to him for taking the time and making the effort in the first place.

Speaking of that…I think my honey is busy putting the turkey in the oven and I better go let him know how much I appreciate that!

Happy Thanksgiving and I hope you have lots of cranberry relish.

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A loving relationship can reduce pain

by Rebecca Jorgensen

“Being in a loving relationship may actually provide some analgesic benefit” Sean Mackey, M.D.,Ph.D., chief, pain management division, Stanford University School of Medicine was recently quoted saying in an article at Health.com (http://news.health.com/2010/10/14/romantic-love-natures-painkiller/) where he reviewed some new research about love, pain and the brain.

It’s very exciting how a loving relationship hits the reward center of our brain so significantly it reduces pain. Love is an analgesic!

It also goes the other way, being rejected and not being in-sync with the one we love is painful. Painful, just like physical pain. The hurt of rejection registers in the brain in the same way and area that physical pain does. You do feel it when you’re shut out of your partner’s emotional life, and it hurts!

Earlier this year I had dinner with Jim Coan. A neuro-scientist, who studied with John Gottman, that did some ground breaking research of his own. His research shows the significance of being in a healthy relationship, not just in a relationship. (Watch the first 2 minutes and 20 seconds.)

If you are having trouble in your relationship and you need help learning how to get through to your partner watch for my teleseminar “Getting Him To Listen.”

To get more information – sign up for the “Lifetime of Love” Ezine on the right and the information will come directly to your inbox. If you’re already getting email tips from me, you’ll get this information automatically.

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