Get Close, Considered and Cared For

“Being in a loving relationship may actually provide some analgesic benefit” Sean Mackey, M.D.,Ph.D., chief, pain management division, Stanford University School of Medicine was recently quoted saying in an article at Health.com (http://news.health.com/2010/10/14/romantic-love-natures-painkiller/) where he reviewed some new research about love, pain and the brain.

It’s very exciting how a loving relationship hits the reward center of our brain so significantly it reduces pain. Love is an analgesic!

It also goes the other way, being rejected and not being in-sync with the one we love is painful. Painful, just like physical pain. The hurt of rejection registers in the brain in the same way and area that physical pain does. You do feel it when you’re shut out of your partner’s emotional life, and it hurts!

Earlier this year I had dinner with Jim Coan. A neuro-scientist, who studied with John Gottman, that did some ground breaking research of his own. His research shows the significance of being in a healthy relationship, not just in a relationship. (Watch the first 2 minutes and 20 seconds.)

If you are having trouble in your relationship and you need help learning how to get through to your partner watch for my teleseminar “Getting Him To Listen.”

To get more information – sign up for the “Lifetime of Love” Ezine on the right and the information will come directly to your inbox. If you’re already getting email tips from me, you’ll get this information automatically.

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Do you sometimes feel like you’re shouting into a void?

You probably know exactly what I mean. It goes something like this – you get upset because your partner does something that leaves you out or is different than what you previously agreed to. So, of course you get upset. At the same time you want to understand why it’s happened again – why you’re left out, or why he changed the deal. It’s frustrating. You know, if you can understand – or get him to understand why you’re upset it will prevent this kind of thing happening again. You start asking questions.

At this point, things are obviously going bad fast. Rather than get an explanation or an apology, you get defensiveness from your partner. This makes you even more upset because he’s just not seeing it or taking any responsibility for the mistake. It seems so deliberate. He knew what you were expecting and how important it is for you to be included. The only rational explanation is he just doesn’t care.

Still, no matter how hard you try he just doesn’t seem open to hearing you. It’s like shouting into a void once again. It’s frustrating, on some level lonely and sad and so discouraging to not feel understood and cared for on this important topics.

The important thing to keep in mind, if you find yourself shouting into a void, is the more upset you get and the harder you try to bridge the gap when you’re upset the less your partner will respond. Why is that?

Well, #1 you have a different style of handling stress than your partner. While you get revved up when you’re upset, nervous or need information you partner is getting more closed down.

#2 Your partner cares very much for you and about your feelings, which means when you’re very upset with him and getting more upset he won’t be able to take the fact he messed up with you. He will feel so awful you’ll see him either defend himself or walk away.

#3 The less you see your partner as succeeding the more he will feel boxed in and trapped into failing you. When he feels like a failure he will distance emotionally from you. This is the last thing you want!

So what you need to do is use your kind feelings towards him to slow down and remember he is the man you love and (believe it or not) he has good intentions. As you make it more safe for him to share with you, you will be amazed at the depth of sharing he offers you.

From here on out, no more shouting into a void. Rather, take the hand of the one you love and fill the void with warmth.

In love and service,

Becca:-)

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Does your relationship need help now?

Maybe you think your relationship trouble is like the common cold, if you just wait long enough the distress will pass.

Unfortunately when it comes to spontaneous recovery relationships typically are NOT like the common cold. In fact, untended distress typically gets worse.

If you’re married to a man that is like most men, then he probably believes if he ignores hot emotions things will cool down. Well, that is sort of true. It’s true in the short run, and untrue in the long run.

It really does help to protect the relationship from the immediate argument to pull out of it. But, if after the immediate tension the problem isn’t address then it’s more likely for a attack/defend pattern to get going.

If you hear these common words coming from your husband’s mouth then your relationship is distressed and needs attention:

“you’re too emotional”

“why does it have to be like this with you?”

“if you didn’t make such a big deal of things….”

“okay, okay. I hate it when you cry”

“anything you want”

“I can’t talk to you when you get like this”

If your partner sounds like the examples above, or if you do for that matter, it’s time to give your relationship attention. That means, slow down and help your relationship. The best way to help is to look at the pattern in your relationship. Chances are, you’re caught in the criticize/defend pattern, the pattern shows up most commonly in distressed relationships. If this pattern is not changed it can lead to the destruction of your marriage. Dangerous stuff.

The good news is, there is a good way out of that pattern. Scientifically proven to work.

The first step out, is to recognize the pattern and begin to talk about the pattern itself. Don’t talk about the issue that triggered the pattern. Talk about the pattern.

Once you identify the pattern with your partner it becomes possible to work together to overcome it, and that’s something your marriage needs.

If you need help identifying the pattern, please leave your question or comment and I’m happy to help.

In love and service,

Becca:-)

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A colleague shared this quote with me recently.

It’s quite profound, however one thing I know is that when we are in a distressed relationship and we have cares and concerns that are not met with love it’s very difficult to offer from a place inside something our partner doesn’t see in us – or even if we do our partner doesn’t recognize it.

Never-the-less, here’s the quote.

It is a startling truth that how you see and what you see determine how and who you will be.  An interesting way of beginning to do some interior work is to explore your particular style of seeing.  Ask yourself, What way do I behold the world? [What way do I behold my spouse? Or myself?]  Through this question you will discover your specific patterns of seeing.

To the fearful eye, all is threatening.  When you look toward the world in a fearful way, all you see and concentrate on are things that can damage and threaten you.  The fearful eye is always besieged by threat.

To the greedy eye, everything can be possessed…. It is sad that a greedy person can never enjoy what they have because they are always haunted by that which they do not yet possess…. The motor and agenda of greed is always the same.  Joy is possession, but sadly possession is ever restless; it has an inner insatiable hunger.  Greed is poignant because it is always haunted and emptied by future possibility; it can never engage presence….

To the judgmental eye, everything is closed in definitive frames.  When the judgmental eye looks out, it sees things in terms of lines and squares.  It is always excluding and separating, and therefore it never sees in a compassionate or celebratory way.  To see is to judge.  Sadly, the judgmental eye is always equally harsh with itself.  It sees only the images of its tormented interiority projected outward from itself….

To the resentful eye, everything is begrudged.  People who have allowed the canker of resentment into their vision can never enjoy who they are or what they have.  They are always looking out toward others with resentment…. The resentful eye lives out of its poverty and forgets its own inner harvest.

To the indifferent eye, nothing calls or awakens…. It is said that indifference is necessary for power; to hold control one has to be successfully indifferent to the needs and vulnerabilities of those under control.  Thus indifference calls for a great commitment to nonvision.  To ignore things demands incredible mental energy.  Without even knowing it, indifference can place you beyond the frontiers of compassion, healing, and love.  When you become indifferent, you give all your power away.  Your imagination becomes fixated in the limbo of cynicism and despair.

To the inferior eye, everyone else is greater.  Others are more beautiful, brilliant, and gifted than you.  The inferior eye is always looking away from its own treasures.  It can never celebrate its own presence and potential.  The inferior eye is blind to its secret beauty.  The human eye was never designed to look up in a way that inflates the Other to superiority, nor to look down, reducing the Other to inferiority.  To look someone in the eye is a nice testament to truth, courage, and expectation.  Each one stands on common, but different, ground.

To the loving eye, everything is real.  This art of love is neither sentimental nor naive.  Such love is the greatest criterion of truth, celebration, and reality.  Kathleen Raine, a Scottish poet, says that unless you see a thing in the light of love, you do not see it at all.  Love is the light in which we see light.  Love is the light in which we see each thing in its true origin, nature, and destiny.  If we could look at the world in a loving way, then the world would rise up before us full of invitation, possibility, and depth.

The loving eye can even coax pain, hurt, and violence toward transfiguration and renewal.  The loving eye is bright because it is autonomous and free.  It can look lovingly upon anything.  The loving eye does not become entangled in the agenda of power, seduction, or complicity…. It rises above…blame and judgment, and engages experience at the level of its origin…. The loving eye sees through and beyond image and effects the deepest change…. To recognize how you see things can bring you self-knowledge and enable you to glimpse the wonderful treasures your life secretly holds.

— From “Anam Cara” by John O’Donohue © John O’Donohue. All rights reserved. For more information go to http://www.johnodonohue.com

What O’Donohue is missing is that we need a loving eye from our partners as much as our partner needs it from us. And, if we have eyes that are anything but loving, we have them for good reason.

In addition, we need to be able to not just see with love, but talk and experience love when we share hurts, to really connect at deep emotional levels.

We have to learn how to do these things – because we aren’t taught them in our families of origin. We aren’t taught it’s okay to need emotional acceptance, comfort and safety. Even if we know we need it, we don’t know how to communicate it in such a way that our partners can respond lovingly to us. We don’t know how to figure out where the reactivity and our  ’false self’ ends and where our ‘true self’ begins.

We all long to have our true self be present operating in our marriage. No one enjoys being worried, mad, walled off, or upset!

That’s what this blog and my Marriage Transformation Program is all about – learning how to share, what to share and how to see and be seen. It’s a systematic program, based on years of experience and work in helping couples heal and save their relationships. It’s a program I created for myself and my marriage, so I know it works. But, I digress…

So, more on that later, for now…what do you think of the quote?

Please leave you comment.

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To Repair

It’s important to send a clear signal to repair when you’ve had a fight.

Why? Well, if you learn to repair your relationship quickly you’ll be healthier, plain and simple, and so will you relationship.

Smiling is a easy, painless and fast way to get your relationship back on track so you can resolve what the distress was about in the first place.

If you don’t learn to repair your relationship quickly and you leave your relationship in distress it’s not only bad for your relationship; it’s not good for you.

Making repair right away will bring your physical, emotional, social and mental systems back to balance – a place that says -

“it’s going to be okay.” Balance is soothing and comforting.

When scientists research distress, especially relationship distress, they find it is a huge tax to our system.

When there’s a wall of distress or tension between us and our partner it makes all of life more difficult. Then tension makes it hard to sleep, messes up our appetite (tense tummy means eating more or having no appetite at all), makes it very hard to focus and we become generally irritable.

We can try to put it on the back burner, get our mind off of it, be busy and distracted, but the tension just runs in the back ground.

It’s been proven that we have a basic need to be in a safe space with our partner. It’s foundational. It makes all of the rest of life’s stressors more manageable.

The reason smiling works is because it’s an inside out and outside in technique. It works both to help you and your relationship get back to balanced. Smiling has an immediate effect. Creating the conscious movement of those particular muscles alerts your whole system that things are changing. It’s an opposite movement to the automatic way your energy and information flow during distress.

Smiling tells the body that things are actually going to be okay and starts slowing the release of stress hormones. This slowing starts to give you mental and emotional space to find other reasons (information) that support the new stance that the fight/danger is over.

The smile starts to send that information outwardly as well. It sends a different signal to your partner. A signal that says, ‘we’re not really at war, we may be in a skirmish but I’ve put away the nuclear weapons’ and ‘I still see you as someone I love.’

Here are the 5 steps to take to use a smile to make start the repair you both need.

1. Move the muscles. Smile. You’re not giving up by repairing, you’re getting! Get the action started.

2. Remember. Remember he’s a good guy and you love him. You love him for a reason, even though you’ve had a misunderstanding or he did something really stupid.

3. Look. Look at him – to see him. What’s he doing, really? If he’s walled up, sulky and distant it’s because he hurts too. If you didn’t matter to him this argument wouldn’t matter and there wouldn’t be tension between you. It’s probably opposite of how it looks on the surface.

4. Let him see your smile. This sends a clear message of peace. It’s the white flag of surrendering to your love. It lets him know you want him and you want the repair.

5. From this more calm and together place you can start the conversation and problem solving you needed in the first place.

Now that you know what to do to send a clear signal to repair, here’s what you need to do right now, even if you not be in distress this moment. You need to practice to make sure you know how take these steps when you really need to.

So try it right now.

First do a full, big smile. Lift the corners of your mouth, open your lips, and scan inside to feel the shift.

Then, let the big smile relax. The corners of your mouth start to come down, lips drop together and put more emphasis on what’s happening inwardly.

As you do that, feel the warmth in your chest,and notice how your shoulders start to drop. You may feel the urge to take a deep breath.

See, you just made the shift from the outward smile to the inner smile.

From here you can help those around you respond with more connection to you so you can problem solve together.

First we make repair and from a place of peace we can problem solve.

I hope you’ll give it a try, and tell me how it worked for you.

In love and service,

Becca:-)

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2. Set the stage. Let your partner know you’d like to share some feelings, good and difficult, with the intention of helping you feel close and understood. Don’t forgot to make your intention clear – your desire in sharing comes from wanting to get back in sync with your partner, because he/she is important to you.

3.  Risk sharing positive things even when you feel negative. Let your partner know you are reminding yourself and them about these positive thing. Share half of your gratitude list. For example: “I’d like to start with letting you know some of the character qualities you have and some of the things you do for me that I appreciate…”

4. Cushion the Shift. Let your partner know you will now share your hurt feelings, and your intention in sharing is not to complain but feel important again and you need his (or her) help getting there. Example: “Today when _____ happened my feelings got hurt. You probably didn’t mean to and I hope we can avoid that type of interaction again, I don’t want to feel hurt and so distant from you. Is it okay that we talk about it? I’d like to hear what was going on for you and hope you can see why my feelings were hurt.”

5. Listen or accept openly any response your partner has to you sharing your hurt feeling. Example: “So you didn’t realize that I would take it that way? I am trying to see that, and thank you for sharing your view.” or “I appreciate you seeing it from my point of view.”

6. Share the rest of your grateful list, with sincerity. Reminding your partner and yourself “I am grateful for these things even when my feelings have been hurt.”

7. Thank your partner for being willing to hear you, even though it was probably difficult.

8. Show affection even if you still feel hurt. If it didn’t go as smoothly as you wanted you can say as you offer a hug or kiss “I don’t feel quite resolved yet and I want you to know I still love you.”

9. Take a minute to review how it felt to slow it all down and take those risks to step into a new attempt to get close again.

Finally, I think you’ll be surprised what gratitude can do to spark reconnection.

Remember, as you approach your partner with gratitude, even when you’re hurting, your partner will feel reassured hurting you isn’t the end of the world and will be able to respond less defensively. You’ll be more open to recieving the reconnection and your attempt for repair and reconnection will send a very clear lasting love signal.

Let me know how it goes – I think you’ll really like it.

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I had dinner with a small group of therapists and Dr. Phil Shaver, the father of adult attachment, just a couple nights ago. Boy, was that ever fun!

We talked over in detail some of the neuro-research and supporting theory of love relationships. He reaffirmed from his research why we get mad and why sadness flips to blame when the person we love is trying to comfort us.

Did you ever notice that? Just when the comfort and understanding you’ve been longing for is staring you in the face, all the times of being alone, lonely and misunderstood come up. You get worried. Then you hear yourself say things like:

“If you’re sorry why did you…..?”

or

“Then tell me how come you did that, you knew it would hurt my feelings, just like the time when ….”

or maybe something like,

“But what about when…?”

Then what happens? Your partner fusses, gets defensive, gets mad, or STOPS comforting you. It’s such a bummer when that happens.

And, it happens ALL the time, in a predictable way!

You’re normal if you respond this way. So is your partner.

Normal doesn’t necessarily mean effective though. Right?!
Normal doesn’t mean you know how to get through those moments together.

What happens, is your partner will hear your worry as mad and un-accepting of his efforts to comfort you. He’ll think you’re mad again because he’s not getting it right. And you may be mad actually, or at least concerned, and concerned enough there’s tension back in your voice.

But what’s wrong with that? Well, nothing really.

It makes sense to you to be worried and tense when your partner is there trying to comfort you. After all it happens naturally, and it’s what you’re really feeling and you really do want your partner to explain to you. So why doesn’t it work? Why not just start asking for more explanations when your lover is there trying to comfort you?

The most important reason is because, it makes your partner feel like he just can’t get it right and it will discourage him from trying to comfort you later.

It won’t actually get you the closeness you want!

Just think of your worry, turned to tension and perceived as anger (heck, you may actually be angry) as a gun. A gun that can sniff out danger, get attention, encourage people to behave right, and most importantly get your partner to respond to you!

You know, having a working gun is great. It helps us when we’re in danger. It can even help keep danger at bay.

The problem with guns though, they can backfire, they have kickback and they can scare people off. And, we can shoot ourselves in the foot when we have one.

Using your worry at a time when your partner is trying to give you comfort or apologize is like shooting yourself in the foot. It lets you know you have a working gun, but it will steal comfort from you.

Because when we need or want comfort, picking up a working gun (our anger and blame from other times when we were hurt and misunderstood) only drives our loved one away.

Anyway, the research is fascinating. And it’s even more fascinating to know how NOT to have a comforting moment turn into another time of being alone, distant from your partner and misunderstood.

If you know how to do it – leave your comment below, I’d love to hear from you.

If you don’t know how, then my 12-Week Marriage Transformation Program is just right you!

Warmly,

Becca:-)

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In the R’s of healthy relationships one very important way of connecting, essential for happiness is being able to reach to our partner when they are hurting. It’s great when our partners ask us for comfort, and when they don’t it’s also important for us to recognize they are hurting and to reach to them. If your partner is distressed, hurting, in need of attention or reassurance it’s a great time for you to reach out and offer acceptance of their hurt and comfort. Do you know what gives your partner the most comfort? if not, try to find out.

On the other side of reaching out, is receiving. One partner reaches the other has to receive the reach. Do you receive the comfort or reassurance your partner tries to provide you when you’re distressed, hurting or in need of attention? Also, you might notice if your partner receives your reaching. If your partner does receive your reaching notice how good that feels, it will reassure you it’s OKAY to accept comfort. Your partner needs to accept their reach. If your partner doesn’t receive your reaching well then having a conversation (not when they are distressed) is important.

It takes two to dance smoothly, but only one to change the music to the dance.

You can learn new steps and these two steps, reaching and receiving, are important first moves to living in love.

(For information on the other R’s of healthy relationships go to the “Recent Newsletters” link in the Free Stuff tab.  Or click here: http://www.livinginlove.us/free-stuff/8rrrrs

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John Gottman’s research that tells us in distressed relationships both partners are trying to make repair with the other as much or more as in non-distressed relationships. Really? Yes, people are trying but the repair attempts are not accepted, or maybe the repair attempts just aren’t recognized.

As a field, couple’s therapy knows a lot more about love these days then we ever knew before.

There is a new science of love and knowing about it will keep you informed, help you with your own relationships or let you help someone you care about improve their relationship or save a family.

Why does this even matter? Because people who are happily married have:

• better health,
• less disease,
• improved emotional stability,
• happier children who learn better and out perform children of divorce across the board,
• feel better about themselves,
• are happier,
• earn more money
• and live longer!

As humans, we don’t attach, bond and create a family with the intention of breaking up. I’ve never met a couple yet who wanted their relationship to fail, and yes, sometimes divorce is the best of two bad choices. But there is a third option becoming reliably available for most distressed couples (more on this coming)…

What is this science of love?

It is a branch of couple therapy that has put together the puzzle of how to help couples create secure bonds and lasting happiness. This science provides knowledge about how to create security in the couple relationship. It’s becoming more well known among therapy professionals but the information isn’t widely known by the general population.

Couple distress is understandable these days! And, couple distress can be changed when even one member of the couple learns about the science of love.

You can learn about the science of love and how you can use this research based knowledge to help your relationship, or someone you care about.

We’ll keep exploring this science of love and facets to it on this blog. If you liked this, sign up for my eletter on the right called How to Get Connected and Cared-For.

Here’s to a life of loving!

Becca:-)

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