Do you sometimes feel like you’re shouting into a void?
You probably know exactly what I mean. It goes something like this – you get upset because your partner does something that leaves you out or is different than what you previously agreed to. So, of course you get upset. At the same time you want to understand why it’s happened again – why you’re left out, or why he changed the deal. It’s frustrating. You know, if you can understand – or get him to understand why you’re upset it will prevent this kind of thing happening again. You start asking questions.
At this point, things are obviously going bad fast. Rather than get an explanation or an apology, you get defensiveness from your partner. This makes you even more upset because he’s just not seeing it or taking any responsibility for the mistake. It seems so deliberate. He knew what you were expecting and how important it is for you to be included. The only rational explanation is he just doesn’t care.
Still, no matter how hard you try he just doesn’t seem open to hearing you. It’s like shouting into a void once again. It’s frustrating, on some level lonely and sad and so discouraging to not feel understood and cared for on this important topics.
The important thing to keep in mind, if you find yourself shouting into a void, is the more upset you get and the harder you try to bridge the gap when you’re upset the less your partner will respond. Why is that?
Well, #1 you have a different style of handling stress than your partner. While you get revved up when you’re upset, nervous or need information you partner is getting more closed down.
#2 Your partner cares very much for you and about your feelings, which means when you’re very upset with him and getting more upset he won’t be able to take the fact he messed up with you. He will feel so awful you’ll see him either defend himself or walk away.
#3 The less you see your partner as succeeding the more he will feel boxed in and trapped into failing you. When he feels like a failure he will distance emotionally from you. This is the last thing you want!
So what you need to do is use your kind feelings towards him to slow down and remember he is the man you love and (believe it or not) he has good intentions. As you make it more safe for him to share with you, you will be amazed at the depth of sharing he offers you.
From here on out, no more shouting into a void. Rather, take the hand of the one you love and fill the void with warmth.
In love and service,
Becca:-)
